To Love…

I watched “Letters to Juliet” tonight. I wouldn’t say that it was the greatest romantic movie ever made; but it was special. It’s about a woman finding her true love, her soul mate after 50 years. And then I got thinking about this whole mystical idea called “True Love”. What is it? Does it exist? Have I experienced it or will I experience it? Did someone like Romeo and Juliet actually exist? If they did, how did they feel? How did they manage to love each other so passionately?

You know the whole concept of love thanks to movies like these or romantic stories and books has become a complete mystery. If we were to believe science, then a man and a woman meet or see each other. Their brain does some sort of calculations based on their body symmetry and their smell, and decides that they can have a healthy off spring. That’s what starts the chain reaction of hormones that makes us feel woozy all over and the two people get together to successfully produce a healthy off spring. Now that kills the mystery of love doesn’t it. But seriously, how do we fall in love?

Is this just a concept people fancy and write about or make movies about or something so strong and so passionate truly exists that makes people do crazy things? People die for love, they cross oceans for love; they betray their families for love. So what is Love, is it just the desire to produce a healthy off spring? Or there is more to it. What and who is our soul mate? Where do they come from and how does one get to know if they’ve found them?

You know when I actually think of true love, I always remember my grandparents. They didn’t have a Romeo Juliet romance, theirs was an arranged marriage. My grandmother was about 17 or 18 and my grandfather was about 24 I guess. Their fathers had decided who they would spend the rest of their lives with and guess what they found their soul mates in each other. I have never seen any couple more romantic than them. They did of course have their fair share of fights, arguments and disagreements, yet in spite of all these they were hopelessly in love. So passionately and hopelessly and deeply and mindlessly in love that even death couldn’t keep them apart for long. They shared a beautiful life together for 60 years, something that seems unimaginable to me. Sixty years is a bloody long time. And not even for a moment they left each other’s sight. It was like even if they were not physically together they still were.

It was awesome to see them together. And listen to them softly talking to each other sitting at the terrace watching birds fly, or just sitting together while he read the news paper and she lovingly looked at him. Her eyes would be filled with so much warmth whenever she looked at him. And he would never miss an opportunity to tell her how beautiful she was and how much he loved her. He would just rest his head on her lap if he was stressed and she would gently run her fingers through his hair. Sometimes they would just sit together silently holding hands. I guess they were at a stage where words didn’t matter.

The day he died, we all knew she was devastated. But even in that moment she kept running her fingers through his hair like she always did, looking at him with just love in her eyes. A look that said I’ll be with you soon. After he was gone, even though she was completely calm on the outside, her eyes were always looking for him. She died within six months.

I guess that’s what soul mates are and that’s true love.

Wrote this one a long time back...was lost in my folders... 1/12/2010

Atrangi Yaari…

Yaari.. teri yaari…Chal maana iss baari…Saari meri fikrein…Tere aage aake haari…

Once upon a time in a small town there was a small kindergarten, and in its small class among the other kids there were two girls. One a little chubby and cute, another one cute but not so chubby. They were both made to sit together and got talking in their little toddler ways, they talked and talked, so much that the teacher had to separate them. But in the time they sat together, something happened that entwined their lives forever. They became “best friends”, a friendship that will last a life time. A friendship, that was untouched by time, distance, relationships or anything worldly. A bond stronger than all else, after all even their siblings have not known them for as long as they’ve known each other.

Friendships like these are rarer than finding true love, or maybe this is true love but we’ve all been mistaking romantic love to be so. A love so pure and selfless. This is what truly means to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. It’s funny how we use these vows during a wedding, when we truly have taken them with our Soul-sisters much earlier than we even met our spouses. 

The vow of patiently listening to endless grumbling about boys, heartaches, crushes, parents, career, common enemies and everything under the Sun. The vow of being there any time of day, of being just a phone call or a message away. The vow of not judging, yet giving the right advise always. The vow of always speaking the truth no matter how bitter and then giving your shoulder to cry when needed. The vow of standing by and supporting everything without question and willing to fight the world for them, and later slap them silly for being absolute fools for doing it in the first place when alone. The vow of lying to parents so they can sneak out on dates or apply for jobs or whatever else they know their parents would be mad at. The vow of laughing on the silliest things only you could find funny. The vow of dreaming & praying for each other, hoping they have all the happiness the world can offer, without a speck of jealousy (well ok a bit of it, depending on what’s the other one getting, but very very little okay). The vow to understand the unspoken words and unshed tears, and wipe them even when you are miles apart. The vow to always say the right things when needed the most. And so many more that mere words cannot describe.

The bond between those two toddlers is about 34 years old and still strong. Along the way there were many more who joined in this sisterhood. Sharing memories of fun & laughter, of tears and trials. My girls are truly my lifeline, sharing a part of me that’s visible to no one, a part of me which is often unlovable, yet received the most love from them. And with this post I want to thank each one of them and especially my oldest & dearest friend for always being there, for being a part of my life, you have made this journey so much more beautiful. Without you most things in my life would be boring AF. Thank you Universe for bringing her and the others I hold close to my heart and making my life so meaningful.

Cheers to Soul Sisters…Cheers to our Atrangi Yaari… Love You...

Find your happy place….

What do you do when you’re having a super crappy day? Or, you are bugged out of your wits and want to punch someone in the face? Or, when you want to hide your face in a pillow and cry? 

This happens to me often, when I have no control over the situation and am completely bugged out of my wits. Being in office makes it worse. I have had moments in life where I’ve hidden my tears under the long bangs on my face or just sat in the wash room and cried for a while. Sometimes crying let’s get the anger and pain out of your system. It may not be a personal problem always, but sometimes I get so angry that tears just roll down my cheeks. And I’m glad that happens; else I would end up hurting people really bad. 

Things like these, whether due to work situations or your personal problems happen to all of us. And the problem gets worsened by not being able to stop thinking about it. It is difficult and bordering impossible to just stop thinking about it and pondering over it and trying to process your feelings and work at that time. So we mostly end up with an awful mood and poor health. 

What should one do about this..???

My solution to this is switching my mind off from the situation that is bugging me. Though I may sound escapist to some people, but that’s the best solution I have. You need to give yourself a break from the negative situations; else you end up harming yourself. In the last few years of life, I’ve been through some really trouble-some times and that’s when I realized the more I ponder over things, the more they kill me. Negative thoughts and feelings in your head/heart are like malignant cells; the sooner you get rid of them the better it is, else there is always a chance of a life threatening cancer. 

After spending nights crying myself off to sleep and days being angry at stupid brainless people at work, I finally found the switch off button. That’s probably the best discovery I believe after fire ;). It truly saved a lot of lives (of people who I wanted to kill, still want to kill but I manage to control that feeling). So how did I do it, by following two simple things:-

First, a mix of spirituality and teachings from school, “when life’s fcking you and you can’t do anything about…lie back and enjoy it…” Ask yourself, “so what…?”, “so what...things aren’t going the way you planned?”, “so what you didn’t get the desired promotion or raise..?”, “so what the one you loved the most left you for someone else…?”, “so what you didn’t get all you dreamt of in life?”, “so what people around you don’t appreciate you..?” etcetera. The “so what” in life can be many, the point is that all these things that we burn our blood over and things we cry over are absolutely out of our control. Can I do anything to make my boss promote me, or my co-workers appreciate me? Can I do anything to make my family love me? Will any amount of crying bring back the guy I fell in love with? Or, will any amount of bitching bring back the project I was supposed to get? 

Nothing changes in your life or your circumstances, no matter what you do. We somehow in most situations fail to realize that the things we are getting angry/sad/upset about are not in our control. We cannot control what people do, how they behave. And mostly in life we can also not control the situations we are put in. most things in life happen coz they happen, a lot of times we end up being there more coz it’s a matter of timing and not choice. The only thing I have control over is me and how I let myself get affected by all this. No one is affected but me with how I react. 

You may yell at someone who pisses you off or even hit someone, but the only one harmed in this process is you. Most of us find it hard to get out of the situation much after it’s over. Most of us keep living and re-living it, what I should have said could have made a difference. Or, what should have I done different. And it’s only stupid to assume that you ponder over things that are more personal. Maximum people have stress only due to work situations. Like someone who once told me that she fell sick coz she’s so stressed about work. Another person, who has developed bad eating habits coz of work related stress. People have trouble sleeping, eating, concentrating and a lot of other physical or mental issues because of work. And funny thing is that it’s not the amount of work that one has to do that causes all this, its people and their behavior. 

A lot of people including myself find it frustrating to work with people who are slow in understanding or performing the work assigned. Now tell me, how does my getting frustrated going to help this situation. If a person is slow or fast or whatever, can I change him/her? No I can’t and neither can you. So why bother getting frustrated over it. ‘Coz the only person getting hurt in this situation is you. Another work situation is when people work with someone they don’t like or are not treated well by someone at work. Now I’m not telling you to just bow down and accept it no. tell the person that you do not wish to be treated this way, which mostly we don’t do. What we do instead is become passive aggressive. We vent out at the wrong places and wrong time. And often can be found bitching about the person. Again, the only party getting poorly affected in this situation is you. 

So my rule of life is- “If I can’t change the situation or person, I learn to ignore it”. That also includes people and situations I have to live with long term. Its like, is someone tells you, you have cancer you can either sulk about it for the rest of the days you are alive or live with the fact that you have the disease, work on it as much as you can and live your life the way it needs to be lived. At least, I won’t spend my life sulking about people and situations. So if I can’t do anything, I move on, because my time is not worth wasting crying over spilled milk.

I don’t know if this is the best way of dealing with negative emotions. But it works, and in the long run you strengthen your immune system in fighting such negative emotions. 

This was the long term method. Now lets talk about my second and instant relief methods (ya, I have more than one depending on the situation).

• Music- the fastest mood up-lifter. I listen to peppy dance music when I feel frustrated and I need to pick up myself and get on with work. More so coz my work includes interacting with people and it’s obviously not their fault that I am in a bad mood. So I listen to the happiest music I can find. I always keep a whole list of “Happy Songs” on my system or on my phone for instant relief. 

In situations where I am feeling really upset because of someone’s behavior, I sometimes listen to sad songs. A good cry is releases you of a lot of stress. Scientifically, after you cry your body starts releasing endorphins, which are happy hormones. Moreover, crying releases a lot of burden you may have on yourself. Crying is the equivalent of throwing up when you have a migraine. Instant relief!! 

This may sound funny, but I have actually made myself cry by listening to sad music, because I felt so heavy in my heart about what was happening around me. And sometimes your own emotions tend to suffocate you. So listen to something that can trigger an emotion and cry your heart out. Once the cloud of emotion is gone, you’ll be able to breathe better, see better and think better. It then makes the decision making process a lot easier.

Music also is a morale booster. I may sound super “filmy” saying this but try doing it, trust me you feel like a million dollars, even when the world tries to tell you, you’re not worth a penny. So here’s what I do to feel like a million dollars. I go for a walk with my ear-phones plugged in on blasting volume and I listen to the “Kill-Bill” soundtrack. Why “Kill-Bill”, coz that’s one of my favorite movies, and the idea of being Uma Thurman in that movie, makes me feel powerful, just like her. I often go for long walks listening to it. I walk fast with powerful steps and let the wind blow my hair. It’s an awesome feeling I’m instantly transported into a different world, where I am worth a bloody billion dollars ;) I feel sexy and powerful, it just brings me back to life and back to my awesome self :-P

• The LOO- in situations where I am angry beyond comprehension and I want to kill the person causing this, I go sit in the LOO. And if just sitting doesn’t help, then I count backwards. Sometimes 10 to 1 works, but there have been times when I’ve counted 100 to 1. (You know the people who made me count 100 to 1 should send me flowers, I could have killed them that day.) Why I suggest the LOO is because that is one place in the whole world where people do not disturb you. 

Once I got a really bugging boss off my back, when I told him I was in the ‘loo’ doing my business and would work on what he wants me to only once I’m done. After that day, he never called me to ask why I am not on my desk. 

And finally, “My Happy Place”. My best friend taught me this; I think by accident coz she forgot doing so. Anyways, on a day when I was feeling awful, as depressed and angry as possible, in trying to uplift me my friend taught me something that changed my life. She asked me to close my eyes and imagine the one place I’ll be happiest in, I immediately thought of the beach. While I was sitting at my desk pretending to work, she asked me to just imagine I was on a beach and I had the waves under my feet. Listen to the sound of waves, feel the breeze brush past your skin. To make this method even more powerful, I downloaded the sounds of the ocean on my system and my phone. 

Now whenever I see negative feelings surrounding me, I take myself to my happy place. That gorgeous beach, that breeze, the waves and the sands slipping below my feet, I feel them as I write this. 

I stay in my happy place mentally, till I feel the attack of negative emotions it’s over. The time I spend in this mental happy place calms me down, lets me focus on handling the problem instead of fighting it. I feel less angry more sane to deal with things. It takes a bit of practice, but once you train yourself to just get there instantly, it helps handling so many situations where you could have lost control. 

Find your happy place, that one place where in your head you shut down the noise around you and within you.

Na tha kuch to khuda tha...

Na tha kuch to khuda tha…

In the last few days, I’ve found this new fixation with Ghalib’s poetry. It was just an accident that my music player happened to play one of his ghazals and a sudden interest was generated. I’ve been listening to a number of his ghazals ever since. And this one the most….

Each word of this ghazal seems to be our lives and how we think. I am about to attempt not just to translate but also interpret his poetry and relate them to our life (mine at least).

Na tha kuch to khuda tha…Na hota kuch to khuda hota…

Duboya mujh ko hone ne…Na hota main to kya hota…

The classic translation and interpretation that you might read for this verse is “when there was nothing in this world…there was God and if there was to be nothing in this world then also there would have been God.”

My interpretation though is slightly different, for me this verse means,

“When I was nothing I had my God and my faith…and if I had not achieved anything then also I would have had my God and my faith…

The desire of being something and achieving something has become the cause of all my suffering…though it wouldn’t have mattered if I wasn’t anyone or anything…”

This ghazal was written in his older days, while he looks back at his life and all that he has given up to be what he wanted to be. And he realizes that he gave up too much to get what he wanted and still probably hasn’t got what he was looking for.

Isn’t it true for all of us; the desire of success is the coz of all suffering (stress, poor relationships, poor health and anything that we suffer from), and yet one day you might realize that it hardly makes a difference what you have achieved coz what really matters is happiness.

Possessed by blind ambition we are willing to do anything to be successful just to realize that in the end all you need is your God and faith.

Hua jab gham se yun behis to gham kya sarr ke katne ka…

Na hota garr juda tann se to zanno pe dhara hota….                                                           

My translation of the above verse is “when one decides to befriend pain and misery like in love then one shouldn’t be afraid of dying (by being beheaded)…

Coz if you were left to live…then your head would have merely been on your lap while you sobbed for your love…”

Hui muddatt ki Ghalib marr gaya magar yaad aata hai…

Woh harr ek baat pe kehna yun hota to kya hota…

This is my favorite verse from this ghazal. The “What ifs” of life, “yun hota to kya hota..”.

Ghalib here is used as a metaphor for not just people but also for incidents in our lives.

My interpretation “even after ages of something that happens in ones life we keep thinking about the What if…

What if I had done so…What if I had not…

What if I said so…what if I had not…

We keep imagining how our lives would be different if we would have done certain things differently, clearly forgetting that while thinking about the “what if”, what you have is just passing you by…”

Guzaarish……….

The latest spectacle from SLB productions, a movie dedicated to life and to love. It’s a story about a quadriplegic Ethan, a world famous magician crippled by an unfortunate accident and his plea to this world to allow him to end his life and suffering. A plea for euthanasia or Ethanasia as he calls it…

The movie is a work of art, like a thousand pictures telling a story. Each frame is so beautifully captured, the colors, the landscapes, the old dripping walls and ceilings of Ethan’s once mansion, all these take you to a different world. Goa has been captured like never before. Both Hrithik and Aishwarya are spectacular in their characters, the rest of the characters have also done a great job, especially Sharon Patel who plays Hirthik’s lawyer. The story and each character touches the very core of your heart in certain scenes yet, the movie is not about feeling sorry for Ethan and his condition.

The movie leaves you with a very strong message, it forces you to think.  About what...well actually about a lot of things? For starters it teaches you the value of life. It’s quite obvious actually that a movie like that should give this message. And I truly hope that each one of us who watches the movies learns that. Isn’t it fascinating that we are always complaining about things in our lives and how they are imperfect and how if we had this or that we would be happier. Very rarely we stop for a moment to think and be thankful for what we have.

What amazed and inspired me to write about the film is the fact that people around me in the theater dealt with this thought? Why do we have to always find entertainment value in everything and not take it seriously? Ethan Mascarenas could just be a character and Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s imagination, but why don’t we look at the thousands who probably would be suffering like Ethan did. Euthanasia is a big deal and matter it’s time our country thought of seriously.

It’s ironic, in a country where thousands each year die due to poor medical facilities, hunger, poverty etc. A man who has been suffering for years does not have the right to willfully and with dignity end his pain. Isn’t it funny that people who have no idea and empathy for him are passing a judgment on whether or not he should live or die? And it’s not something that happened in just his case, there are thousands of such cases pending in our courts waiting to end their misery.

I’m not promoting the idea of euthanasia; I just want to ask all of you and this judicial system do we still remember people like these exist. Or are too busy making money, buying expensive cars, competing and fighting with each other. How many of us have ever seen or met anyone with a condition, let alone be of support to them. I’ll request you all to meet someone who’s got limited days left and for whom each day is a struggle.  Trust me, that moment/day would change your life.

I remember someone I met once, just once. Someone suffering from various types of cancers for over a decade, someone whose pain we can’t even imagine, and someone who was a true inspiration. In that pain and suffering, when we met with limited sight and hearing, he managed to crack a joke or two. Made me laugh, complimented me and even flirted with me. He shared some stories of his younger days and then thanked me for visiting him. All I could do was walk out of the room with tears in my eyes. He died a few months later, after fighting cancer for more than a decade. And in spite of numerous surgeries and radiation treatments he was all full of life & hope.

How do these people manage to be so happy in spite of their own condition? Ethan was a radio jockey inspiring people to live when he was leading a vegetated life. He managed to smile and laugh more than we normal people not because this was a movie, but coz people like him have some things we “normal” ones don’t.

Ethan like my friends uncle has the following virtues which we mere mortals have forgotten. They know Love, they give and receive true selfless love to whomever they meet and as a result enrich their lives. They know forgiveness; Ethan managed to forgive the man who was responsible for his condition. They even forgive God for doing it to them. And what do we do if we face trouble, we ask God why me. Most of us take quite a lot of time even to forgive the person who over took your car and got you delayed for work for a couple of minutes. They day we learn to forgive others and ourselves for what happened to us, we’ll become a much happier race.

People like Ethan are full of gratitude. They thank each person who’s made them smile or was responsible for just one bright moment in their day. They are thankful for the life they have, for being able to get up every morning and still see the sun, hear birds chirp and even our “normal” whining about our lives.

And more than anything else, people like Ethan have Hope. Something I think us normal’s have forgotten about.  Ethan has Faith, not just in the Almighty but also in himself and people around him. Ethan has dreams, not of material pleasures of the world, but the dream of someday being able to walk, someday being able to hug people he loves or simply scratch his nose. We all have dreams we’ve just kept them a little deep inside our cup boards and filled them with other material things. Let’s find them, and try and make them come true, we’ve got very little time.

You also learn a lot from Sophie, his nurse.  She teaches you the value of selfless true love, love so strong it’ll hold you even in the toughest of times, a love that feels your suffering and is your strength through all that, and a love who without a doubt would be the first to help you get rid of it. A love each person should be able to experience. They say when you love someone selflessly, forgetting your own being and identity for the love; you actually become not just one with the person you love. You also become one with God.

So when you go watch this movie, don’t just look for entertainment. Don’t be judgmental about the number of times it makes you cry or people around cry. Remember all those people on this planet who have to suffer each day like this, remember those for whom waking up every morning is a miracle. And the next time you meet someone, anyone, any random stranger, anywhere, don’t think too much, don’t judge them, just try gifting them a smile. You never know who’s life you’ve enriched and guess what you’ll enrich your life much more in turn.

Life is too short and uncertain, spread happiness and collect happiness. That’s all you’ll take with you when the last day comes and that’s all that people will remember you by.

Go ahead….make yourself a multi-multi smile-ionaaire…. 

Getting angry...is it worth it....??

Last night, my golf crazy husband was trying to unwind after a very-very long day by playing around with a golf ball. While doing this it slipped and went straight down the balcony and on the empty parking and then rolled over to the road. It was not the obviously a very wise thing to be playing with a golf ball in the balcony, but since the road and the parking was empty we didn’t think it was such a big deal. So after it fell he went inside to put on a tee and go get it from the road. But in the couple of minutes he took to turn around we had a very angry man screaming on top of his lungs and calling him out. Very peacefully my husband said give me a minute I’m coming, but since the man was angry why spare anytime started yelling to the air around and then saw me in the balcony so started off with telling me we didn’t know who he was.

Now, this is something very typical of a Delhite to obviously show off “WHO I AM”. And when this guy was saying that to me the only thought in my mind was “Do I care who the F… you are…”. It doesn’t matter to me or anyone else in this world who the other person is or who the other person knows, but still if I am in Delhi and I am angry at someone the first thing I would like to tell that other person is “WHO I AM”.

In the mean time Anurag, reached down and very peacefully said sorry it was just an accident the ball slipped out of my hand. All this was said while the man was still on the road and he was on the last few stairs. Now ideally that should have been the end of the conversation and at the most any sane man would have said you need to be more careful it might hurt someone.

But nahi…aise kaise baat khatam ho jaye….

The man started yelling even louder and of course use of the F… word makes a lot of people feel that they are being very aggressive and the other person should be scared. All through the conversation Anurag was very relaxed and went right up to the man stood just about eight-ten inches away and started responding to his questions. “What’s your name..? Are you on rent here…? Who’s your landlord…? Etc etc..?” Anurag responded to each question as they should be responded to and then comes the blockbuster super scary statement of them all… “Do you know WHO I AM….?” And to this question in all innocence my dear husband asks “Who are you…?” For a second I forgot the anger I felt and laughed coz the man didn’t have a reply to give and all he could say “I’m a home owner…” God only knows how that would have made a difference to our life but anyways.

You know when we are in situations like these assume what happened was done on purpose. Without keeping even the slightest window open for a possibility of a mistake or an accident. Now if only this man had thought of the possibility of this happening as a mistake he wouldn’t have burnt half the blood that he did. Also why is it so difficult for people to accept an apology and move on in life? The first thing Anurag said as he went down was it was an accident and sorry for any trouble. Wasn’t this enough to end the conversation. This man looked like a decent and educated and obviously rich person driving a BMW, completely killed any possibility of us or our neighbors assuming that he was what he was a decent man. After he drove off whoever was around witnessing this only had bad things to say about him. In fact my neighbor felt very offended with the way the man was talking in spite of seeing the women around.

Now of course what happened shouldn’t have, coz the ball could have hurt someone, but do we really need to boil our blood over something which didn’t do any damage and the other person accepted his/her mistake. And the funny part is that after he drove off none of us would have bothered thinking about this incident and this man would have boiled his blood for at least the next 30mins, coz apparently the adrenalin released in his body would take 30mins to subside. So we had our nice dinner, watching Simpsons laughing our lungs off and had a peaceful sleep. And there is a huge possibility that this man would have cribbed about this incident to at least 2-3 people and trust me I wouldn’t be surprised that he would have scolded the guards or care takers around. I say this with so much confidence is because when I lose my temper it takes me very long to cool off and in that time everyone who comes in my way gets a glimpse of my wrath.

But is it truly worth it? And what I observed in this incident was actually the true learning. When at night I was back tracking the event, I replayed it in my mind and realized that till the time Anurag had not reached the road this man was being very aggressive. Then when he stood right in front of this man making constant eye contact and responded to each question assertively and honestly, the man started to began to step back. He used the F… word more when he was standing alone on the road and when Anurag came to talk to him he only used it with his back towards Anurag and he had moved away to a comfortable distance. And right after this when he was told not to use that kind of language (again assertively and not aggressively) he actually sat in his car before saying that “I will not let you live here… etc.”

So here comes the learning, no amount of aggression works when you are met with an assertive opposition. Had I been a part of that conversation I’m sure we would have had a bad fight and I honestly wanted to slap him and in fact looking at this behavior I thought to myself this ball should have hit his car. But the way Anurag handled it was awesome. He displayed – confidence, assertion, maintained eye contact all through the conversation and his tone not even once went a decibel higher than his normal tone. And that did it. The other man wasn’t pacified but he realized couldn’t win with his aggression. So he drove off, hurling threats to all and sundry.

Aggression is actually a stance weaker being Passive or Submissive, because aggression always lacks honesty. When I’m being aggressive I’m hiding insecurities by way of screaming and shouting. An aggressive person is always looking to win over an opponent. Therefore when an aggressive person is faced with an assertive opponent, he feels sort of helpless, because the assertive opponent isn’t here in this conversation to win it. He is here to sort out the issues they have.

And this isn’t just an observation, this is my experience. I find it next to impossible to win an argument with Anurag, and that’s because when we disagree on something he never tries to win the argument. If there is a difference of opinion he tries to explain his reasons and understands mine. Whereas I don’t want to listen to his reasons and make sure he accepts my reasons and does as I say. And I use aggression to make him agree, which never works, because he hardly ever gets aggressive.

And he has a very simple philosophy that nothing is worth boiling my blood over. It’s not worth getting angry over petty things because it’s only you who gets affected by it and no one else. When you get angry and misbehave with someone, you are the one pondering over it longer than that other person. Because, if that person didn’t get angry at you he/she didn’t give you or the subject enough importance and therefore it’s easier to move on. But when you get angry you give me and my action a lot of importance, you tell yourself that it matters you so much that it can disturb your peace of mind. When you say bad things to people you bring in negative thoughts and feelings in your head which last really long. And the person you’ve said those things to doesn’t care about you and what you think or feel so doesn’t give a shit to what you say, and therefore does not lose anything.

I see people who blow their lid off at the drop of a hat and that not only affects them at that moment but for a longer time. One of my colleagues is always so angry that she carries all that anger and frustration home. Now how is it possible to lead a happy life when you keep harboring negative feelings for just about everyone in the world?

I haven’t been able to take control of my feelings yet, but each time I begin to get angry I ask myself two questions:

· Do I care about this…enough to give up my peace of mind
Does it matter to me…so much that I let negative thoughts and feelings govern my senses

And guess what most often than not the answer to both these question is NO.

So next time you feel angry just ask yourself these two simple questions. And remember more often than not most people in this world give a rat’s ass to what you think of them…so why bother telling them.

Justice delayed and denied…how about this….?

A few weeks back I was watching a debate over the Ruchika case, whether Rathore’s punishment enough or not. And has the judicial system become a play toy for the rich and powerful. Then tons of such cases where the rich and powerful manage to evade punishments because they had money to fill up the pockets of the judicial system. Then the latest today was the verdict of the Bhopal Gas leak case. All this debate reminded me of someone.

Let me share with you a story which I was witness to from day one. I don’t know how many of you would remember this but in Kanpur sometime in 2000 a boy named Abhinav Misra who supposedly was in love with this girl called Arti, destroyed her face and life with a bottle of clinical acid. The acid that is used in car batteries was thrown on the girls face from a moving car just outside her house when she was returning with her father from her coaching classes.

The reason – she did not accept the true love Abhinav had for her and she deserved to be punished for the crime.

Now let’s look at the back grounds of these two people. Abhinav Misra is the younger son of a senior Sales Tax officer in Kanpur. One of the most corrupt government officials I’ve known, he is a multi millionaire thanks to the bribes he’s taken all his life. And unfortunately I do know them quite well, they happen to be our family friend’s relative. And this unfortunate coincidence makes it more of a reason to share this story with the world.

Arti on the other hand is the daughter of a professor in one of the local colleges. I somehow not personally but knew her too. My cousin was working with her father and had met Arti at a wedding party just a night before her life changed forever. Arti was a beautiful girl, slender body, milky white complexion and a pretty face; she slightly resembled Twinkle Khanna. The night before the tragedy she came for the wedding in a maroon dress, looking stunning. My sister couldn’t stop raving about how pretty she looked the next morning. In fact the picture that was printed in the news paper was also from the night before.

Abhinav had been stalking Arti for a long time now. Trying to convince/threaten her to accept his so called love for her and she kept denying. It was because of his stalking her father would pick & drop her to the coaching classes she used to attend. That morning as well, like any other day she was returning from her coaching classes when Abhinav and his friends followed them in a Maruti Van and threw a bottle of acid on her face, just outside their house. She ran inside screaming in pain, while her father also injured tried to figure out who it was and where this acid came from. For the first few moments no one realized the severity of what had happened. She was just screaming and tried to wash her face with cool water. And their world fell apart when she lifted her head from the wash basin and her mother and sister saw her face.

The left side of her face was almost not there, it was burnt so deep that you could almost see the bones. They immediately rushed her to the hospital. Immediate care was given to her, but it was too late. The doctors somehow managed to save her left eye from permanent damage, but till today she doesn’t have the lower eye lid, it was completely burnt and destroyed and because of this for months she had to sleep with her left eye open. I don’t know the status now. Each day in the hospital she would beg her family to let her look at the mirror and see what’s wrong with her face, but no one had the courage to let her do that.

The police complaint was immediately filed, and since her father worked with the Swaroop family, which happens to be one of the very strong political families in the city so, the police had given Arti and her family full support. And by the evening Abhinav was arrested and soon after his friend who helped him. That night his family was present at the wedding of the same family friend we knew them through. Suddenly in the middle of the ceremony people started whispering and the older men of the family left in a hurry. I knew about the incident that time, but didn’t know that just a few minutes back I was probably chit chatting with his family members.

There was huge uproar in the city, and just about everyone wanted to kill the bastard who destroyed the life of this innocent girl. The whole city was filled with anger and hatred, the local people, police, lawyers and even the prisoners in the Kanpur Jail wanted to kill him. People called them names and threw stones at his house. His family went absconding for a while.

And then the trial started. Mr. Misra the corrupt official that he was managed to get his son out on bail. The trail went on and on and on…for nine long years. We all know what happened at the end of the nine years.

I want to tell you what he did in those nine years, when Arti and her family tried to come to terms with reality and live with what had happened to them.

Abhinav, joined an MBA college in Pune roughly a year and a half after this. In his father’s words, “Arre, Puna bhej diya hai usse…humne socha ye hi to din hai…life enjoy karne dain…”

These were his words, just a year after his son had committed such a heinous crime. A few months later, on the honhar son’s birthday, Mr. Misra sends his son a car. Then some more months later, son finishes the course and starts working. And guess what, a few years back he was married to a homely, cultured, well educated and beautiful – very fair, Brahmin girl. Whose father not only gave his daughter to an animal like this but also lacs of rupees as dowry.

And the interesting thing is that the girl he married and her family knew what he had done to Arti. They were happily married for I guess four years or so before the final judgment and from what I’ve heard they had a son as well.

And what about Arti, would she ever marry, have children or even be able to walk out of her house without people staring at her with horror. The last 9 years she not only fought for justice, but also with herself trying to come to terms with life. She lives the trauma of that day, every single day in the eyes of the world and in the mirror.

Now you say…is this just justice delayed…or denied…coz the person actually sentenced for solitary life imprisonment is Arti….