Guzaarish……….

The latest spectacle from SLB productions, a movie dedicated to life and to love. It’s a story about a quadriplegic Ethan, a world famous magician crippled by an unfortunate accident and his plea to this world to allow him to end his life and suffering. A plea for euthanasia or Ethanasia as he calls it…

The movie is a work of art, like a thousand pictures telling a story. Each frame is so beautifully captured, the colors, the landscapes, the old dripping walls and ceilings of Ethan’s once mansion, all these take you to a different world. Goa has been captured like never before. Both Hrithik and Aishwarya are spectacular in their characters, the rest of the characters have also done a great job, especially Sharon Patel who plays Hirthik’s lawyer. The story and each character touches the very core of your heart in certain scenes yet, the movie is not about feeling sorry for Ethan and his condition.

The movie leaves you with a very strong message, it forces you to think.  About what...well actually about a lot of things? For starters it teaches you the value of life. It’s quite obvious actually that a movie like that should give this message. And I truly hope that each one of us who watches the movies learns that. Isn’t it fascinating that we are always complaining about things in our lives and how they are imperfect and how if we had this or that we would be happier. Very rarely we stop for a moment to think and be thankful for what we have.

What amazed and inspired me to write about the film is the fact that people around me in the theater dealt with this thought? Why do we have to always find entertainment value in everything and not take it seriously? Ethan Mascarenas could just be a character and Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s imagination, but why don’t we look at the thousands who probably would be suffering like Ethan did. Euthanasia is a big deal and matter it’s time our country thought of seriously.

It’s ironic, in a country where thousands each year die due to poor medical facilities, hunger, poverty etc. A man who has been suffering for years does not have the right to willfully and with dignity end his pain. Isn’t it funny that people who have no idea and empathy for him are passing a judgment on whether or not he should live or die? And it’s not something that happened in just his case, there are thousands of such cases pending in our courts waiting to end their misery.

I’m not promoting the idea of euthanasia; I just want to ask all of you and this judicial system do we still remember people like these exist. Or are too busy making money, buying expensive cars, competing and fighting with each other. How many of us have ever seen or met anyone with a condition, let alone be of support to them. I’ll request you all to meet someone who’s got limited days left and for whom each day is a struggle.  Trust me, that moment/day would change your life.

I remember someone I met once, just once. Someone suffering from various types of cancers for over a decade, someone whose pain we can’t even imagine, and someone who was a true inspiration. In that pain and suffering, when we met with limited sight and hearing, he managed to crack a joke or two. Made me laugh, complimented me and even flirted with me. He shared some stories of his younger days and then thanked me for visiting him. All I could do was walk out of the room with tears in my eyes. He died a few months later, after fighting cancer for more than a decade. And in spite of numerous surgeries and radiation treatments he was all full of life & hope.

How do these people manage to be so happy in spite of their own condition? Ethan was a radio jockey inspiring people to live when he was leading a vegetated life. He managed to smile and laugh more than we normal people not because this was a movie, but coz people like him have some things we “normal” ones don’t.

Ethan like my friends uncle has the following virtues which we mere mortals have forgotten. They know Love, they give and receive true selfless love to whomever they meet and as a result enrich their lives. They know forgiveness; Ethan managed to forgive the man who was responsible for his condition. They even forgive God for doing it to them. And what do we do if we face trouble, we ask God why me. Most of us take quite a lot of time even to forgive the person who over took your car and got you delayed for work for a couple of minutes. They day we learn to forgive others and ourselves for what happened to us, we’ll become a much happier race.

People like Ethan are full of gratitude. They thank each person who’s made them smile or was responsible for just one bright moment in their day. They are thankful for the life they have, for being able to get up every morning and still see the sun, hear birds chirp and even our “normal” whining about our lives.

And more than anything else, people like Ethan have Hope. Something I think us normal’s have forgotten about.  Ethan has Faith, not just in the Almighty but also in himself and people around him. Ethan has dreams, not of material pleasures of the world, but the dream of someday being able to walk, someday being able to hug people he loves or simply scratch his nose. We all have dreams we’ve just kept them a little deep inside our cup boards and filled them with other material things. Let’s find them, and try and make them come true, we’ve got very little time.

You also learn a lot from Sophie, his nurse.  She teaches you the value of selfless true love, love so strong it’ll hold you even in the toughest of times, a love that feels your suffering and is your strength through all that, and a love who without a doubt would be the first to help you get rid of it. A love each person should be able to experience. They say when you love someone selflessly, forgetting your own being and identity for the love; you actually become not just one with the person you love. You also become one with God.

So when you go watch this movie, don’t just look for entertainment. Don’t be judgmental about the number of times it makes you cry or people around cry. Remember all those people on this planet who have to suffer each day like this, remember those for whom waking up every morning is a miracle. And the next time you meet someone, anyone, any random stranger, anywhere, don’t think too much, don’t judge them, just try gifting them a smile. You never know who’s life you’ve enriched and guess what you’ll enrich your life much more in turn.

Life is too short and uncertain, spread happiness and collect happiness. That’s all you’ll take with you when the last day comes and that’s all that people will remember you by.

Go ahead….make yourself a multi-multi smile-ionaaire…. 

Getting angry...is it worth it....??

Last night, my golf crazy husband was trying to unwind after a very-very long day by playing around with a golf ball. While doing this it slipped and went straight down the balcony and on the empty parking and then rolled over to the road. It was not the obviously a very wise thing to be playing with a golf ball in the balcony, but since the road and the parking was empty we didn’t think it was such a big deal. So after it fell he went inside to put on a tee and go get it from the road. But in the couple of minutes he took to turn around we had a very angry man screaming on top of his lungs and calling him out. Very peacefully my husband said give me a minute I’m coming, but since the man was angry why spare anytime started yelling to the air around and then saw me in the balcony so started off with telling me we didn’t know who he was.

Now, this is something very typical of a Delhite to obviously show off “WHO I AM”. And when this guy was saying that to me the only thought in my mind was “Do I care who the F… you are…”. It doesn’t matter to me or anyone else in this world who the other person is or who the other person knows, but still if I am in Delhi and I am angry at someone the first thing I would like to tell that other person is “WHO I AM”.

In the mean time Anurag, reached down and very peacefully said sorry it was just an accident the ball slipped out of my hand. All this was said while the man was still on the road and he was on the last few stairs. Now ideally that should have been the end of the conversation and at the most any sane man would have said you need to be more careful it might hurt someone.

But nahi…aise kaise baat khatam ho jaye….

The man started yelling even louder and of course use of the F… word makes a lot of people feel that they are being very aggressive and the other person should be scared. All through the conversation Anurag was very relaxed and went right up to the man stood just about eight-ten inches away and started responding to his questions. “What’s your name..? Are you on rent here…? Who’s your landlord…? Etc etc..?” Anurag responded to each question as they should be responded to and then comes the blockbuster super scary statement of them all… “Do you know WHO I AM….?” And to this question in all innocence my dear husband asks “Who are you…?” For a second I forgot the anger I felt and laughed coz the man didn’t have a reply to give and all he could say “I’m a home owner…” God only knows how that would have made a difference to our life but anyways.

You know when we are in situations like these assume what happened was done on purpose. Without keeping even the slightest window open for a possibility of a mistake or an accident. Now if only this man had thought of the possibility of this happening as a mistake he wouldn’t have burnt half the blood that he did. Also why is it so difficult for people to accept an apology and move on in life? The first thing Anurag said as he went down was it was an accident and sorry for any trouble. Wasn’t this enough to end the conversation. This man looked like a decent and educated and obviously rich person driving a BMW, completely killed any possibility of us or our neighbors assuming that he was what he was a decent man. After he drove off whoever was around witnessing this only had bad things to say about him. In fact my neighbor felt very offended with the way the man was talking in spite of seeing the women around.

Now of course what happened shouldn’t have, coz the ball could have hurt someone, but do we really need to boil our blood over something which didn’t do any damage and the other person accepted his/her mistake. And the funny part is that after he drove off none of us would have bothered thinking about this incident and this man would have boiled his blood for at least the next 30mins, coz apparently the adrenalin released in his body would take 30mins to subside. So we had our nice dinner, watching Simpsons laughing our lungs off and had a peaceful sleep. And there is a huge possibility that this man would have cribbed about this incident to at least 2-3 people and trust me I wouldn’t be surprised that he would have scolded the guards or care takers around. I say this with so much confidence is because when I lose my temper it takes me very long to cool off and in that time everyone who comes in my way gets a glimpse of my wrath.

But is it truly worth it? And what I observed in this incident was actually the true learning. When at night I was back tracking the event, I replayed it in my mind and realized that till the time Anurag had not reached the road this man was being very aggressive. Then when he stood right in front of this man making constant eye contact and responded to each question assertively and honestly, the man started to began to step back. He used the F… word more when he was standing alone on the road and when Anurag came to talk to him he only used it with his back towards Anurag and he had moved away to a comfortable distance. And right after this when he was told not to use that kind of language (again assertively and not aggressively) he actually sat in his car before saying that “I will not let you live here… etc.”

So here comes the learning, no amount of aggression works when you are met with an assertive opposition. Had I been a part of that conversation I’m sure we would have had a bad fight and I honestly wanted to slap him and in fact looking at this behavior I thought to myself this ball should have hit his car. But the way Anurag handled it was awesome. He displayed – confidence, assertion, maintained eye contact all through the conversation and his tone not even once went a decibel higher than his normal tone. And that did it. The other man wasn’t pacified but he realized couldn’t win with his aggression. So he drove off, hurling threats to all and sundry.

Aggression is actually a stance weaker being Passive or Submissive, because aggression always lacks honesty. When I’m being aggressive I’m hiding insecurities by way of screaming and shouting. An aggressive person is always looking to win over an opponent. Therefore when an aggressive person is faced with an assertive opponent, he feels sort of helpless, because the assertive opponent isn’t here in this conversation to win it. He is here to sort out the issues they have.

And this isn’t just an observation, this is my experience. I find it next to impossible to win an argument with Anurag, and that’s because when we disagree on something he never tries to win the argument. If there is a difference of opinion he tries to explain his reasons and understands mine. Whereas I don’t want to listen to his reasons and make sure he accepts my reasons and does as I say. And I use aggression to make him agree, which never works, because he hardly ever gets aggressive.

And he has a very simple philosophy that nothing is worth boiling my blood over. It’s not worth getting angry over petty things because it’s only you who gets affected by it and no one else. When you get angry and misbehave with someone, you are the one pondering over it longer than that other person. Because, if that person didn’t get angry at you he/she didn’t give you or the subject enough importance and therefore it’s easier to move on. But when you get angry you give me and my action a lot of importance, you tell yourself that it matters you so much that it can disturb your peace of mind. When you say bad things to people you bring in negative thoughts and feelings in your head which last really long. And the person you’ve said those things to doesn’t care about you and what you think or feel so doesn’t give a shit to what you say, and therefore does not lose anything.

I see people who blow their lid off at the drop of a hat and that not only affects them at that moment but for a longer time. One of my colleagues is always so angry that she carries all that anger and frustration home. Now how is it possible to lead a happy life when you keep harboring negative feelings for just about everyone in the world?

I haven’t been able to take control of my feelings yet, but each time I begin to get angry I ask myself two questions:

· Do I care about this…enough to give up my peace of mind
Does it matter to me…so much that I let negative thoughts and feelings govern my senses

And guess what most often than not the answer to both these question is NO.

So next time you feel angry just ask yourself these two simple questions. And remember more often than not most people in this world give a rat’s ass to what you think of them…so why bother telling them.

Justice delayed and denied…how about this….?

A few weeks back I was watching a debate over the Ruchika case, whether Rathore’s punishment enough or not. And has the judicial system become a play toy for the rich and powerful. Then tons of such cases where the rich and powerful manage to evade punishments because they had money to fill up the pockets of the judicial system. Then the latest today was the verdict of the Bhopal Gas leak case. All this debate reminded me of someone.

Let me share with you a story which I was witness to from day one. I don’t know how many of you would remember this but in Kanpur sometime in 2000 a boy named Abhinav Misra who supposedly was in love with this girl called Arti, destroyed her face and life with a bottle of clinical acid. The acid that is used in car batteries was thrown on the girls face from a moving car just outside her house when she was returning with her father from her coaching classes.

The reason – she did not accept the true love Abhinav had for her and she deserved to be punished for the crime.

Now let’s look at the back grounds of these two people. Abhinav Misra is the younger son of a senior Sales Tax officer in Kanpur. One of the most corrupt government officials I’ve known, he is a multi millionaire thanks to the bribes he’s taken all his life. And unfortunately I do know them quite well, they happen to be our family friend’s relative. And this unfortunate coincidence makes it more of a reason to share this story with the world.

Arti on the other hand is the daughter of a professor in one of the local colleges. I somehow not personally but knew her too. My cousin was working with her father and had met Arti at a wedding party just a night before her life changed forever. Arti was a beautiful girl, slender body, milky white complexion and a pretty face; she slightly resembled Twinkle Khanna. The night before the tragedy she came for the wedding in a maroon dress, looking stunning. My sister couldn’t stop raving about how pretty she looked the next morning. In fact the picture that was printed in the news paper was also from the night before.

Abhinav had been stalking Arti for a long time now. Trying to convince/threaten her to accept his so called love for her and she kept denying. It was because of his stalking her father would pick & drop her to the coaching classes she used to attend. That morning as well, like any other day she was returning from her coaching classes when Abhinav and his friends followed them in a Maruti Van and threw a bottle of acid on her face, just outside their house. She ran inside screaming in pain, while her father also injured tried to figure out who it was and where this acid came from. For the first few moments no one realized the severity of what had happened. She was just screaming and tried to wash her face with cool water. And their world fell apart when she lifted her head from the wash basin and her mother and sister saw her face.

The left side of her face was almost not there, it was burnt so deep that you could almost see the bones. They immediately rushed her to the hospital. Immediate care was given to her, but it was too late. The doctors somehow managed to save her left eye from permanent damage, but till today she doesn’t have the lower eye lid, it was completely burnt and destroyed and because of this for months she had to sleep with her left eye open. I don’t know the status now. Each day in the hospital she would beg her family to let her look at the mirror and see what’s wrong with her face, but no one had the courage to let her do that.

The police complaint was immediately filed, and since her father worked with the Swaroop family, which happens to be one of the very strong political families in the city so, the police had given Arti and her family full support. And by the evening Abhinav was arrested and soon after his friend who helped him. That night his family was present at the wedding of the same family friend we knew them through. Suddenly in the middle of the ceremony people started whispering and the older men of the family left in a hurry. I knew about the incident that time, but didn’t know that just a few minutes back I was probably chit chatting with his family members.

There was huge uproar in the city, and just about everyone wanted to kill the bastard who destroyed the life of this innocent girl. The whole city was filled with anger and hatred, the local people, police, lawyers and even the prisoners in the Kanpur Jail wanted to kill him. People called them names and threw stones at his house. His family went absconding for a while.

And then the trial started. Mr. Misra the corrupt official that he was managed to get his son out on bail. The trail went on and on and on…for nine long years. We all know what happened at the end of the nine years.

I want to tell you what he did in those nine years, when Arti and her family tried to come to terms with reality and live with what had happened to them.

Abhinav, joined an MBA college in Pune roughly a year and a half after this. In his father’s words, “Arre, Puna bhej diya hai usse…humne socha ye hi to din hai…life enjoy karne dain…”

These were his words, just a year after his son had committed such a heinous crime. A few months later, on the honhar son’s birthday, Mr. Misra sends his son a car. Then some more months later, son finishes the course and starts working. And guess what, a few years back he was married to a homely, cultured, well educated and beautiful – very fair, Brahmin girl. Whose father not only gave his daughter to an animal like this but also lacs of rupees as dowry.

And the interesting thing is that the girl he married and her family knew what he had done to Arti. They were happily married for I guess four years or so before the final judgment and from what I’ve heard they had a son as well.

And what about Arti, would she ever marry, have children or even be able to walk out of her house without people staring at her with horror. The last 9 years she not only fought for justice, but also with herself trying to come to terms with life. She lives the trauma of that day, every single day in the eyes of the world and in the mirror.

Now you say…is this just justice delayed…or denied…coz the person actually sentenced for solitary life imprisonment is Arti….

Lets uncomplicate life....

Mujh ko yaqeen hai…sach kehti theen…jo bhi ammi kehti theen..

Jab mere bachpan ke din the…chaand main pariyan rehti theen….

How true isn’t it? Today in a meeting we were discussing work life balance issues and I was thinking about how our life was a few years back. Careless, carefree and so much fun.

Last night while grocery shopping I came across a shop selling Crax. Remember the circular rings with a minty flavor. While devouring on the chips, I was thinking when this product used to be available in abundance but we were not allowed to eat it. Now we don’t have the restriction but most times we don’t have the time to even look at the shop which sells it. I can’t describe in words how much I enjoyed eating that packet of unhealthy rice puffs. Coz it reminded me of my childhood, the good old days when life was simple. When life was life and not analysis.

Just about a decade ago we would happily go out for an ice cream in the middle of the afternoon in my grandfather’s Fiat, windows rolled down; the heat and dust never affected us then. But now you need an air con in your car, office and house, you can’t spend an afternoon without it.

Now I step out and I come back home with all sorts of allergic reactions.

Yes a lot is to be blamed on our life styles now, but have we forgotten the simple life in the mad rush of technology.

There’s this advertisement on television these days, it’s for a mobile internet service and it talks about the concept of “Speed Living”. And as per the creators of the ad, it means, living all at ones. Doing everything you want to do at ones and NOW.

Ok, agreed we talk about the Power of Now. And Living and Appreciating the moment you live in and all that. But what’s this about. Speed Living….???? Gimme a break…!!!

Are we not living a life fast enough already that I would require a mobile phone to listen to a college lecture while I take my grandmother for a walk? How busy are we that we do not have the time to take her for a walk before or after the class. Or do we need to have mobile television when we are out with friends? Can we not wait for to go home and watch the program…? How important are these programs anyways?

Remember the good old Doordarshan days, where we had to wait the entire week to watch an episode of your favorite program. And how we looked forward to even the lousiest movie aired on a Saturday. And how we waited to listen to the latest songs on Chitrahaar every Wednesday, remember.

Now, what you see all weekend are runs and re-runs of all the ridiculous episodes of the saas-bahu sagas, and the super idiotic reality shows. And with the programs being repeated a thousand times already we’re buying DTH services which enables us to record programs. Aaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhh………….

I keep cribbing about my husband that spending way too much time playing golf in the sun. But I guess he is one of those few people in the world who actually get out of the house and do something other than going to a mall.

What has life become?

We have quarter-life, mid-life, mid-mid-life and I don’t know how many kinds of crises’ these days. I hear people at the age of 25 dying of heart attacks. People in their 20s requiring psychological help to deal with work life balance issues, relationship issues, marital issues and crap like that. We spend so much time reading and listening to people who give us gyan about life and we don’t live it. For living life or our relationships we need a coach. If you still have grandparents, ask them if they needed a Life Coach to actually tell them how to live their life.

We are scared of making mistakes; we want to be right always. We want to know answers for everything. Why….?

Why at 28 should I be worried about the things that would happen at 48? Or, why do I need to find meanings and hidden meanings in my relationships? What he said…what he meant and all the other crap that screws our brains!!!

I can bet that my grandparents never thought about their marriage in so much detail. And how long did their marriage last…? Well, sixty years. And these days you start having expectation issues and adjustment issues in as little as sixty days.

This quest of a bigger and better and more meaningful life has brought us to a place where we’re just analyzing it and not living it. We’ve complicated our work, our homes and our relationships because we wanted to add more meaning to them.

We’ve even complicated happiness and pleasure. I remember how much I used to enjoy watching the stars each night with my little sister. We would just lie on the terrace for hours, talk about all the weird, funny and even ridiculous stuff we wanted to do when we grew up. And now, I chat with her on Google Talk and half the time either of messages back “I’m Busy”.

Life isn’t a fairy tale agreed. But let’s just uncomplicated and live it.

Let’s not plan buying a house on the moon….vahan pariyan hi rehne do…!!!

Where is life...within or around you....

Off late, I’ve heard way too many lectures about spirituality and finding love & happiness within, so I thought why not write something about it. Being spiritual is the in thing these days. Just about everyone I see around me seems to be reading books on finding happiness within, the power of now or the laws of attraction etc, etc. Being a part of some spiritual society is becoming fashion, a discussion point in social gatherings, at work or casual conversations. We’re all out there to tell the whole world how close we are to our inner self and the All Mighty.
It’s actually nice to see more & more people trying to know and discover the true meaning of life and who we are, but my question is are we actually doing that. I’m yet to come across a person who is following the spiritual path and actually has made changes to his/her life style. Or has accepted people as they are, or displays compassion towards all living beings around. When I joined the Art of Living, my reason was to get the strength to fight the challenges I was facing in life. I was under severe depression and I needed something to get me out of it. The course, the teachings and the experience of doing the Kriya was amazing. It not only got me out of the depression that was killing me but also gave me the strength to be strong. It actually made me aware of who I was; a person as strong as a mountain with unshakable will power. I didn’t know this before the course. It made me realize the strength I needed was within me I just had to dust it out and use it. This learning helped me a lot. Today I know no matter what the circumstances are I can deal with it. The fight no matter how fierce I can fight it and win it too!!!!
But did I use this lesson of spirituality and oneness with self and God to accept people around me?
The answer is – NO.
I didn’t, yes I got the strength to fight my battles, but with this new found strength I fought with other people to succeed. And not even for a minute I looked at anyone as just a fellow human being and over look their faults and short comings. And not just me I really doubt if anyone else does. The people I met there appeared calm and peaceful during the short interactions that I had during the discourses. But when I got to know them better I realized, that the lessons they had learnt there were not applied at home.
A friend who calls himself a devotee and thinks he wants to dedicate life to God and has hymns and prayers for his ring tones. He spends his time cheating on his wife and eventually they’ve separated. He is fighting for the custody of his child, with the woman who meant everything to him at one point in time. Another lady I met, calm, quiet and peaceful woman, so devoted and so dedicated to the group, that you can’t find a fault in her. One day I land up at her door for some work, and she’s standing there abusing her very old almost fragile & lifeless mother in law. She was calling her names and cursing her one minute and was saying “Jai Gurudev” to me in the next moment.
Then I met another lady, a very attractive woman studded in diamonds, well spoken and polite. She was married to a diamond merchant and was a mother of two children, who were studying outside the country. Till now looks like a normal woman with some time on hand, but looking closely I realized that she was having an affair with another man in the group. And the two of them were travelling the country not following Guru Ji, but to be together. Spirituality was just the cover up.
And many more cases like these. Where people leave their families and homes and children and run to the ashram in search of peace and not realizing that peace is not in the ashram. It’s all around you. And you will not be at peace till people around you who matter and who make what your life is, are happy and at peace. God or your Gurus don’t tell you to leave people around you and just run after things that make you happy.
Spirituality isn’t selfish, it never about you…it’s about people, animals and beings around you. Spirituality and true peace is not in finding peace, love and happiness within you. Coz what you have in you is yours, just for you to feel and experience. True love and happiness is not about being happy within yourself, it’s about making people around you happy. Each time you make someone smile, you add a little drop of peace to your life. Each time you water a plant and see it grow it adds to your happiness.
It’s about giving and not receiving. You need to give love and happiness to all around you. That’s what spirituality is. To love someone selflessly, just love even if you don’t get it in return, this will bring you closer to God. It would be painful but if you manage to experience this kind of love even once in life, you’ve achieved peace. Love someone so much that it physically hurts, that’s when you attain happiness. That’s when you experience God.
All the saints in the world loved God to this extent, and they became saints. We don’t intend to be saints but we do intend to get close to the All Mighty, whatever form we see him in. If that’s what you want then love people, animals, trees everything around you and you’ll find him. We talk about looking within and finding peace coz it’s very very difficult to love without even the hope of getting something in return. We are scared and therefore we want to look within. It’s more comforting. When look around you see hurt and pain, it’s difficult to deal with. We don’t want to love coz we are scared of getting hurt. But what’s love without the pain. Love needs sacrifice; it needs you to suffer to know what it truly is. Once you experience it, nothing looks difficult. No challenge or pain big enough to scare you.
This is what truly the Art of Living is and it’s learning. I learnt to love so deeply that it hurt and realized the true meaning of life. I hurt myself so deeply for that love that I became tough enough to endure any challenge in life. Each day instead of asking God “why me…” for the pain I felt, I could say “try me…” And in spite of being heartbroken and hurt, it gave me the courage to start all over again.
This, my friend is true spirituality.
Life is always around you in all that you see…not within you….
So look up and love….